THE 2024 COMPETITION
WINNER
To: Caffe Nero,
Dear Sir/Madam,
Until this morning, I had lauded your establishment as emblematic of a noble Roman leader. That is, until I suffered a life-changing horror due to an interaction with a certain member of your staff.
When ordering a lovely cup of earl grey, I was rudely accosted by a vile, obscene question – ‘would you like a non-dairy milk-alternative?’. I was harrowed to my very core.
Alas, she continued, listing all sorts of objects (’coconut, ‘oat’, ‘soy’, ‘almond’), as though they held any relation to my afternoon tea. Should I have assumed, given the giant ring of metal dangling from her nose, that she too considered herself a ‘cow alternative’?
Why, I would have been no more surprised had she suggested a nursing mother pump breastmilk right into my teacup. Has your institution truly become so morally depraved that an udder would be the last place one would look for a dairy product? Surely, nobody’s cup of tea will be safe in this crusade against calcium.
Thankfully, my eyes are now open to the stark truth, that Nero was shamefully sipping on an oat-milk Frappuccino while his city was aflame.
Yours faithfully,
