NEW LETTERS

Caroline Moran

The Homeowner
145 Lynton Grove
Cheadle Hulme
Cheshire
SK8 7HG

Dear Louise / Louisa (whichever applies),

I am writing as a friend. Having observed the charming ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ art print above your mantelpiece – visible until you close your curtains after Silent Witness – I suspect we share similar values.

My box room overlooks your house and thus I frequently observe your teenaged son – I say teenaged as a kindness, since he appears to be in his mid twenties and is clearly without a trade – hanging from your attic window, smoking cigarettes. He stubs out the ‘butts’ on your roof tiles and allows them to roll into the guttering below said window.

We are both women of advanced years – I have observed the grey in your root re-growth when you dustbust your Punto. So I am sure you share my healthy respect for the expense of external building repairs. Therefore, whilst I consider ‘whistle-blowing’ both cowardly and attention-seeking, I felt obligated to speak out.

Yours sincerely,

A Friend

The Homeowner
145 Lynton Grove
Cheadle Hulme
Cheshire
SK8 7HG

Dear Louise / Louisa (it could also possibly be Lorna),

I wrote to you on May 14th regarding your son smoking out of your attic window, yet he continues to do so. Clearly you have taken no action on this matter.

You might be content with allowing your guttering to block and overflow during the next ‘Hurricane Betty’. However, water cascading down buildings is unacceptable in SK8. This is not Droylsden.

Unless you take control of the situation, I shall be forced to set aside my anonymity and confront you face-to-face. I considered calling at your home but have no wish to encounter the aforementioned son. I shall therefore make my approach in the small ASDA, where I have observed you enthusiastically availing yourself of their cut price oven chips.

Yours sincerely,

An Increasingly Concerned Citizen

Genevieve (I was clearly misinformed regarding your name)
145 Lynton Grove
Cheadle Hulme
Cheshire
SK8 7HG

Dear Genevieve,

Re: Our conversation in the freezer aisle this morning

Firstly, my misidentification of your common-law partner as your son has no bearing on the risk your guttering presents to the community.

Whilst your ‘choice of lifestyle’ is not the issue under discussion, even the most cursory internet search supports my assertion that ‘May to December’ pairings such as yours end in humiliation for female Decembers. Your example of Carol McGiffin from Loose Women is the exception that proves the rule – currently.

As regards preventing a blockage in your guttering, I found your response of “he’ll flick the nub ends out with a broom handle” totally inadequate and shall be placing the matter in the hands of the council.

Yours sincerely,

Edna Welthorpe

PS: Please inform your ‘partner’ that having served 7 years as Brown Owl for Droylsden Brownies, I am immune to the crude hand gestures he makes at the window. I shall continue to frequent my box room as and when I please.